BLUES CARS: Chevy's, Fords, Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMW's, or sports utility vehicles. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound Bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues life style. So does fixin' to die.

Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it, is.

You don't get the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

GOOD PLACE FOR THE BLUES:

Highway

Jailhouse

Empty Bed

bottom of a whiskey glass

BAD PLACES FOR THE BLUES:

Nodstrums

gallery openings

Harvard, Stamford, etc.

golf courses

DO YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO SING THE BLUES? YES, IF:

you are older than dirt

you blind

you shot a man in Memphis

you can't be satisfied

No, if:

you have all your teeth

you were once blind but now you can see

the man in mephis lived

you have a 401(k) or trust fund

If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Courtney, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

MAKE YOUR OWN BLUES NAME STARTER KIT:

a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of a president (Jefferson, Johnson, Clinton, etc.)

For example: Blind Willie-Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Joe-Lemon Johnson or Cripple Big Willie-Kiwi Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not Kiwi.)

And I don't care how tragic your life. If you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.